Opinion: The Top 11 Most Pointless Vehicles Around Today

By | November 23, 2011

It’s been a slower news day in the automotive world today. And slow news days make for the perfect times to do a top eleven list. Why eleven and not ten? Why the hell not?

So, in our humble opinions, here are the eleven most pointless vehicles available (or close to available) today. By pointless we refer to a total lack of meaning. Why do they exist? What niche do they fill? What problem do they solve? The list below represents vehicles that answer those questions with a ‘just because’, ‘none’, and ‘not a single one’, respectively. They are as meaningful and productive to the world as a Kardashian wedding.

bmw 5-series GT

BMW 5-Series GT ($57,675): It’s ugly, it’s very heavy, and it looks terrible in brown.

Infinity QX-56 ($59,690): We recently wrote a post on how we hate bulbous styling. Pair that trend up with an oversized soccer mom’s dream vehicle with an Infinity badge and you get a very expensive SUV that was modeled after Oprah’s hips.

Toyota Avalon

Toyota Avalon ($33,955): It’s the Camry for the upper-middle class who have absolutely no preference in how they get around, just as long as it’s a bit more expensive than a the standard option every one else is driving.

BMW X6

BMW X6 ($59,775): It’s huge, yet only seats four. It’s got state of the art four wheel drive, but can’t get up a small hill. It’s also as thirsty as Charlie Sheen on his last day to live. The BMW X6 fills a niche that not only doesn’t need to be filled- it doesn’t even exist.

Cadillac Escalade ESV

Cadillac Escalade ESV ($67,530): Anyone even slightly familiar with GM products knows that a Cadillac Escalade is just a re-baged Chevy Subruban with some bells and whistles. It’s a super hefty premium for a chrome wreath on your front grill. But the premium doesn’t stop at the Cadillac emblem because Consumer Reports lists the Escalade as the worst SUV to own in terms of ownership costs.

Bentley Brooklands

Bentley Brooklands ($343,585): The economy for the last four years has shown that there couldn’t be a better time for an 18-foot, petrol draining super-coupe that costs more than most average American homes.

Lexus HS250h ($37,905): The HS250h is the perfect option for people looking at owning a hybrid that isn’t driven by the masses (read: Avalon consumer). Apparently, though, that type of consumer doesn’t exist after all since Lexus has hinted that they’re killing off the super-slow-selling, super-premium Prius.

Anything by Maybach (Pick any number and add six zeros after it): In the world of Maybach, Lamborghini, Ferrari, and Aston Martin are the 99%. But hey, there can’t be anything much better than paying a million dollars for a reworked S-class, right?

Smart Fortwo

Smart Fortwo ($13,000): Many people bought the Fortwo in hopes of saving the icebergs and curbing global warming. And most of those people were pretty pissed to find that their underpowered econo-box was only capable of a unimpressive 36mpg.

Vygor Opera

Vygor Opera ($190,000): What the hell is this thing? Vygor is saying it’s some sort of sinuous feline SUV for classy people. We just thought John DeLorean might be doing coke lines again.

BMW X6M

BMW X6M ($90,375): Take a standard X6 and then put about 12 M badges on it to cater towards rich men with sensitive feelings toward their small penis. This is the most pointless car ever made.


2 Comments

AJ Wilcox on November 23, 2011 at 4:30 pm.

I take it you just left the BMW 6 series off because it deserves its own post.

Jeff on December 6, 2011 at 12:06 am.

I love that the Avalon is on there! Awesome..

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